It's blogging time

Haven't written for ages again, how slack of me. But things have been quite busy which is really good.

Since I last wrote, my beautiful baby boy turned one and he is no longer a baby anymore really, he's walking, climbing, and generally getting into everything and being the love of my life hehe :) he remains a hard work or shall we use the nicer term 'spirited' child who screams/grizzles and gets frustrated at times but he is also very clever, determined and all around awesome hehe I love him so much. Can't imagine ever loving another being as much as I love him it's scary.

Things on the home front have been up and down, we have had some issues to sort through that have been plaguing us for a while but I think we have finally made a breakthrough which has involved cutting off some of the outsides influences/interferences in our lives and doing things on our own. Which is scary but will ultimately be good for us, living our lives and running our home on our own terms, our own way. Some hurt feelings have been expressed and are hopefully on the way to being mended. So we can get on with being the best couple and parents we can be and being happy. I am ready to farewell 2011 and start much more positively on 2012.

One thing that has been on my mind massively lately is work. I have been applying for some part time jobs, with varying hours, the one I really really want is 2 days a week. Which is perfect as I get more time with Noah than working but still a chance to teach and express that side of myself. I have an interview for that particular role next week and am hoping like crazy it works out. I visited my old school yesterday and it was surreal, nothing had changed and it felt so familiar, like I had never left, but yet, everything had changed because I had a baby and I was no longer a teacher there! It was a real reality check for me, how much life has changed and also how much I have been holding on to regrets and how I miss teaching there so much. The world has moved on, they have moved on, now it's time for me to move on too as I can never go back and be in that moment again. If I was to teach there again, it wouldn't be the same, I'd be different, it'd be a different class... I think because I loved my class so much and I wasn't really ready to finish there, I have always missed it so much and held onto it so much but it's time to let go. If that even makes sense. Close that chapter and make a new one.

Emotionally I am feeling pretty good. Im weaning off my antidepressants now because for a long time I have felt I don't need them, that I have learnt coping strategies for when I feel angry, overwhelmed, anxious or depressed and I am using them successfully. Im having a pill twice a week now, then next week I'll drop to one a week, then Ill stop altogether. I feel I can cope now without them, because all they have ever done is even me out and allow me to manage situations and I feel like I've taught myself how to do that now. I have changed so much as a person this year, my outlook has changed, what is important to me has changed, and most importantly how I speak to myself in my head has changed (well mostly!). I am not so hard on myself anymore and more accepting of the way things are, and the things I can not change. I focus on the things I have power over, the kind of person I want to be and the way I want to be, and try very hard not to let other people and what they do affect that. Not always easy but definitely a lesson I needed to learn. It's nice to feel more in control of things, I used to feel victim to other people/life and the things they did or said or things that happened, now I feel more powerful because I know that it is me who chooses how to react and what to do next. I can control how I feel- I used to feel powerless to that. It's been a rough year of many emotions, one of the worst and yet best in my life if that is even possible. But Im looking forward to the future now not back.

Still need to lose those pesky 5kg though! I'm really trying! But I'm starting to see (well trying to see) myself as more than that, and that it doesn't define me as a person how much I weigh, Im still a good Mum/wife/friend regardless of that and still a worthy person. And at the end of the day Ive managed to lose around 20kg of baby weight since Noah was born a year ago, I can be proud of that and I'll get rid of those last 5 when I can.

So yeah that's me! Hopefully I can continue to make more positive posts in the new year :)