Pesky old insecurities

Haven't posted in ages, which is mostly a good thing in the sense that I tend to head here when something has been bothering me. I've been pretty good, exercising a lot, eating healthily, have lost another kg or two of baby weight, and staying focussed on what is important in life, ie. my own life and family not the things that other people do or say. And I've been feeling really reflective and happy as I realise with baby's first birthday next month, how far we have actually come in a year. When I look back to how I was feeling pretty much from now a year ago, when high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia hit, then after the birth with the depression and bad reflux, we have come so far and I now have a very happy, smiley boy and he has a Mum who is doing much better too. He is super cuddly now and shows his love for us so much and there's nothing quite like it, I am enjoying him so much.

However as always I do have my setbacks from this positive frame of mind. One of them has come lately as baby and I have both been sick, and so I've been housebound for 2 weeks and unable to exercise as I was previously doing, so my weight loss has stalled but thankfully I haven't put any on. But this whole weight thing just makes me so insecure. It always has. Growing up I was a competitive dancer, gymnast and swimmer so you can imagine how much pressure I was under to always stay slim. I've never been a big person but it is in my genes to be curvy/womanly rather than stick thin so I was always fighting my body's natural instinct to be that. I've never been happy with my weight but I was always well within reccomended BMI etc and a good weight in other people's eyes, and toned from being athletic. I'm the heaviest I've ever been now and that is only 5kg from my pre-pregnancy weight so I guess that's not too bad. But for some reason I feel less of a person/disgusted with myself when I'm heavier, which I know is SOO silly, I would never ever judge anyone else by these standards I inflict on myself, I would never ever think that anyone else was less of a person because they were heavier so why on earth do I apply that to myself? It doesn't help that there's someone in my life who makes me feel terribly insecure because they are super skinny and beautiful and no matter how good I feel about myself and my efforts, every time I see that person it all goes out the window because I know I'll never look as good as that. It all sounds so silly, but hey my mind is not always rational. I know that deep down this stuff is not as important as the fact that I have a beautiful child, I'm a good Mum and I am the world to him, I have friends and family and a good husband and I should be focussing on those things, not what I look like. But pesky old insecurities and messages/negative statements that I've been drumming into my head over and over for years, are hard to get rid of! I was feeling good until I saw some pictures of myself yesterday and wasn't happy with them, I had been feeling good that day had made an effort with hair makeup and outfit etc so I was disappointed when the pics didn't come out like I wanted as I wanted to get some nice pics of me and my boy. But I guess I'll always be beautiful in his eyes and that's most important. Just gota keep pressing on and ignore those silly little messages trying to bring me down.

Other than that just been keeping on, I have dropped down to one antidepressant each day and I will wean off by the end of the year, which is scary but cool because I feel ready to do it, and in the middle of the year I didn't feel like I'd ever be ready for that. Taking fish oil and evening primose oil as well as a mutlivitamin have helped me keep a clear head (thanks Casey for the tips), and I feel like I'm still taking something to support me if that makes sense. A stomach issue I've had for years has flared up badly in the last week and I think I'm going to need to chat to the doctor about it as it seems to have gotten worse, and I've never really had an answer about why it happens in the first place, it would be good to get to the bottom of it.

It's a long weekend which is nice and I'm enjoying the warmer weather and so looking forward to all the things we can do with the boy now he's getting bigger. He is my joy and happiness, love him so much :) he is the reason to keep on keeping on through all the muddle and find the way out the other side.