I need to remember to post more often here. Have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. This usually happens when I am doing too much and not taking enough time for myself so I will take it as a warning sign. The boy has been teething badly and therefore screaming a LOT, generally whiny, and not always fun to be around! I don't like how I feel some of the time, when he is screaming and carrying on and I have been listening to it and fending off his scratches, kicks, pinches etc for a long time, I start to get angry and frustrated and say/think things I don't mean, like you're a stupid baby or what the hell is wrong with you, etc. I also go down thought patterns I don't like, such as why did I have to end up with such a difficult baby, when other people don't, and ideas of hurting myself to get away from the pain/frustration I am feeling at that time because it feels too much for me to handle. I have never actually done that, and I don't think I ever will. But I don't like the thought- that's a warning sign to me that all is not well with me. I am doing my best to breathe through the frustrated moments, remind myself it will pass, and remind myself how much I do love my incredibly gorgeous little man who does make me so happy. I always beat myself up so much after I have a moment of being angry with him. He is an absolute piece of work at times, very very strong willed, screams, lashes out, arches his body and stiffens up so I can barely even keep hold of him. When you're tired, and you've been putting up with that for days on end, it starts to wear you down and make you frustrated, panicky and no patience. I still have unresolved feelings about how I got post natal depression and how difficult this first year has been, I feel it's unfair that I had to get it when others don't and that I had to have a 'difficult' baby when others don't, but I know that is silly thinking and I will find my peace with it in time, but it means that when he is acting difficult which to be fair is not that often, those feelings of resentment of the whole situation in general resurface. I think I will be glad to put this year behind me and start the second year of his life anew, with much better memories and frame of mind :)
Other than that things have been ticking along. I have been working really hard to try and lose the last pesky kgs of baby weight, After a good start losing 2kg I have stagnated, and haven't lost anymore despite watching what I eat and counting calories etc I think I need to up the exercise to make a difference as I have always eaten well and maintained a steady weight for years before getting pregnant, so I think the answer for me lies more in exercise. But finding the time for that is the hardest thing!! Because anything I do to lose weight I want to be able to sustain it long term, ie not just some weight loss fad thing in which I will put all the weight back on when I stop doing it. So I need to find a way to incorporate more exercise into my week in a way I can sustain. At the moment I am doing a fair amount but it's not that strenuous so I need to add something new and different I think. I have been a it hard on myself about not losing but Im trying to remind myself that I am eating very healthily and exercising and taking care of myself and that's the most important thing, it's not like Im sitting around eating crap and not exercising, Im doing all the right things that's got to count for something health wise.
Still thinking a lot about going back to work and looking out at jobs but I think it'll take a long time to find my ideal thing (1-2 days a week teaching). So I will wait and see.
Lisa, you've been given this amazing journey with quite a few big challenges along the way. Having a baby isn't easy - how we can love them so much but also feel that little bit of resentment because we didn't know how much of a commitment it would be and how it takes away and changes almost all of who we are. I get mad too, I think things that I feel guilty about, but never act on them. What you say you're feeling here, I've felt it too. We do the best we can with what we have. You are doing the best you can. All these things you are feeling are part of learning. It is making you stronger. I hope sharing it helps you feel better about what you're feeling. I'm here if you ever want to talk :)
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