The dreaded beast

I haven't posted in a while, probably because things have been quite good. Which is great. Everything has been trucking along, I've been increasing my confidence as a mother, enjoying my boy so much, and things have been much more stable on the home front, all in all things have been ok and I've been feeling better and stronger. But all of a sudden I feel back at square one. I got some news yesterday which I didn't really like, without going into it on a public blog it was about a person who brings out a lot of insecurities and hurt feelings in me, who brings out the worst in me I guess. I ended up really upset and then really frustrated at myself for being a jealous, petty, insecure person. Since then I have just felt crap, depressed, low, no patience, wondering why I even bother with anything at all. Depression is such a beast, you think you have gotten rid of it for good and left it behind you and then it jumps out from behind when you least expect it and does all the damage it ever did. I feel like since I got depression after having a baby I've come so far, and yet gone nowhere at all, depending on the day. One step forward 5 steps back again. It's a slow journey for sure.

I will get over it, I will pick myself up again, I will keep on going. Just at times, life feels like such a struggle, such an uphill battle, so tiring, that I wonder why I bother with it at all. If it was any other task that was this hard you would probably give up on it! But I have no choice, nothing else is an option to me, I have way too much to live for, and I will keep on searching for that magical place where depression is locked firmly in the closet and I can be happy again.

In other news, I am just loving my boy lately, he is so gorgeous and so funny and so clever, I can't even write down how much I love him there isn't a word for that. He's so precious. He at times frustrates me, challenges me, tires me out, makes me mad, but the way he makes me feel so needed, loved and important outweighs any of that. I am loving him getting a bit bigger, I like babies but I love toddlers. I am loving more interaction from him and being able to do more with him. He's such a star, my reason for living through all this blackness because while I have had that since giving birth, I also got him too!