Need to rant

Argh I am feeling so overwhelmed at the moment I just want to scream or punch or something but Im home alone and the baby is sleeping so I will bash out my frustration on the keyboard instead.

I just feel so overloaded with problems at the moment. I know what I want to do to help me get on top of them all but it feels like I have so many things to do and conquer that I get overwhelmed and only get halfway with any of them and so tired from running around all the time trying to do this and that and never resting. For example at the moment I have been stressing about money a lot because we seem to have a problem with our power/something in the house and are getting massive bills which I am juggling all sorts to try and pay, and also just to be helpful no dancing work for the school holidays so doing without the money I earn there. So Im running around trying to figure out what the problem is, calling power company, checking meter, writing budgets etc etc then also I am trying to stay on top of my depression and anxiety by getting out for walks but it's been raining so I can't. Id love to go do a zumba class or swimming but can't afford to spend any money on it right now with power bill to pay, so I go round in circles. I want to lose my baby weight so badly but I go around in circles because of the above problems and because stress leads me to lose the plot and eat what I shouldn't. Then I get on the scales and realise Im going nowhere and feel worse and even more overwhelmed. Then the baby is being hideously stressful as well and that's making my brain want to explode. On top of that feeling very isolated and lonely at the moment, stuck in these four walls of home with not many people to talk to who get how I feel, whose experience of motherhood has not been quite as harmonious as they would have expected. But can't do much to change that without money and a car as above.

ARGH. It's just all too much for me. I want to run away and just keep running and running and running. I said to Nick at 5am this morning when the baby had been up and down all night, at this very minute I want to die. Not that I really do, but dying is a way to stop these feelings. Feeling nothing is preferable to feeling everything, especially when you're so incredibly tired. I don't like the person I become when Im tired and stressed, I have little patience, I get angry, I shout- all the things that by nature I am not. Right now I just want someone to take the baby away for a little while so I can sleep and sleep and sleep.

Argh.

In other news I met up with my old friend last weekend. It was nice, we talked easily laughed a lot and she just loved bub. Her fiance even came along at one point and was very nice to me. I think she's come back because she has experienced losing a few close friends for similarish reasons and perhaps realised that she had been harsh, but Im not sure as we didn't explicitly discuss it. I can see she would like to pick up where we left off, Im wary but Im going to see how it goes. As much as I feel I need close friends right now I don't want to get hurt so I'll take it slowly.

Ok dishes need to be done so I'll stop feeling sorry for myself for a bit.

Ive just had enough :( this year since having baby has been so incredibly hard. Ive been through some hard things in my life, but this has been the most ongoing battle of all.