The black dog

Depression is such a beast. It seems to lurk in corners, hiding from you, making you think you're safe, that you have seen the last of it, then it jumps out from behind and grabs you all over again. Have not been feeling so great the last week- combination of being bored, lonely, tired, frustrated, let down, unappreciated anxious, feeling crappy about my self and my appearance post baby, etc etc etc. This morning I felt the tears come on like they haven't since I was in the worst days of PND. That was a little scary. I thought I had left the depression behind and it was mainly anxiety now. I guess there's some things that will always be with you a bit, medication or not, and you just handle them as they come. One thing I hate so much about depression is that in the worst of it, you feel like you could just die. Not that you want to die, more than dying would be easier than feeling. I have way too much to live for to go down that road. I just hate that feeling of utter helplessness, of surrender to your body and mind and what it's feeling. Sometimes I feel like my mind is broken, and I wish it would hurry up and mend.

Sorry that was a bit dark. I created this blog to get my feelings out, good or bad, so there that is. Trying to cheer up. We are going to pick toys for the boy's Christmas and birthday presents today as there are big toy sales on. That will be fun. And going to a real grown up party tonight, hehe. Adult conversation- you never know how much you can miss it until you spend all day gooing and gaaing and giggling and pulling faces and general silliness.

I need to make some of the changes I talk so much about. Right now. I get held back by money, by fear, by whatever. No more. Just do it woman. Lol. Starting with doing some more exercise beyond my walks. I want to go swimming twice a week, I find swimming so therapeutic. I haven't got any good togs so I haven't done it yet. No more hanging back, who cares about the togs. Im just gona do it. This week. Will report back on whether I succeed!!

Have also found out about a postnatal depression support group locally and want to get up the guts to go. I need to meet some Mums who everything wasn't perfect for. I feel surrounded by Mums whose experience of motherhood has been so amazlingly wonderfully lifechanging or so they say that it makes me feel guilty and abnormal that mine has been so much more complex. It would be good to talk to people who know what its like to love something so incredibly incredibly much and at the same time loathe the way it made you fall apart.

Hope everyone who is reading has a good weekend