An anxious life?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to be a worrier. I always thought it was just part of my personality, before I realised there was a name for the things I do and think. I have been feeling pretty good lately but I have also realised that anxiety is part of me and part of my life. Will I only ever learn to manage it? Will it never really be gone no matter how much self help I do? The reason I say this is because today we were at the mall and it was super busy, like no spaces to park in busy and we were having lunch in an extremely packed food court. I felt the panic rise up in me, and I really had no idea why. I asked myself, why are you feeling anxious, you come to this mall all the time, eat in this food court all the time, nothing bad has happened to you here, so why are you worried? I didn't really know the answer but still had that knotted feeling in my gut. I think ever since I had a baby I have always been fearful of being out in public, because in his earlier days when he had terrible reflux I never knew if he was going to be happy or scream and cry. These days he's the happiest little chap on the planet and if he was to cry, I would know why and I would know what to do to help.... I guess it just takes time to get past old feelings and trust new ones.

As I said, things have been going reasonably well. My little man is just blowing me away with how clever he is, in a week he has mastered kneeling, standing, and taking little steps between things while holding on. He is also properly crawling now instead of his commando crawling he's been doing since 5 months. He is a bundle of smiles and joy and so damn precious it's ridiculous. I love him more than I could ever describe. But I'm still as tired as I ever have been and still need a break from it all some days. Especially now I can barely let him out of my sight as he might fall or climb onto something he shouldn't. One thing that has been amazing to me lately is realising how dependant he is on me and how much he does love me back. He has started giving me cuddles and clinging to me around people he doesn't know. He looks for me whenever he is with someone else, just to make sure I'm still there. He lights up with a smile every time he sees me. I have never known a love like that. He is so incredibly vulnerable too in some ways. I am still getting used to this job of being a mother. Every day I learn a little more.

It's a rainy, windy Saturday night with nothing much to do so I might as well go and try to catch up on some sleep, and hope, as always, that tonight is the miracle night he sleeps through.