Anxious days

I really needed to write yesterday but couldn't find the time to do it.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. Baby has been teething for about 3 weeks so that has basically meant long days of whinginess, bad sleeping and a very clingy boy. Yesterday I was really tired as he has been waking lots with a sore tooth and TMI upset stomach, and I was trying to get ready to go for a walk to the chemist to get a prescription I really needed. Baby had been grizzling and screaming all morning and would literally not let me leave his sight, but I couldn't find my prescription form so I was running around the house searching everywhere trying to find it all the while he was screaming in his pram and nothing would stop him. I was getting more and more flustered and panicky trying to find this prescription and ended up getting grumpy at him and feeling like I couldn't cope with this anymore. So I rang my Mum and she came and got us and took us over to her place, and we chilled for the afternoon there and N had a sleep. I don't know why I get so panicky sometimes. It all just feels a bit much, when I'm tired, stressed, sick of listening to grizzling... and then I feel like the worst mother in the world who can't cope. Which is silly, as much of the time I can and do cope. It's just every now and then, when Im vulnerable, it gets on top of me. I hate days when Im at home by myself and he gets like that. I start to panic that I won't be able to get him to sleep, that he won't stop grizzling, etc, I can only assume it must be because it takes me right back to those early days when he screamed and screamed and I couldn't help. These days I know exactly what to do, better than anyone else can do it, and I know I can always make him feel better- but that silly fear and anxiety remains. I really feel like Im always climbing up a hill with this anxiety, and I never get to the top, I just keep climbing and climbing, getting better and further, then I fall back a bit, then I climb a little more..... I hope I find my way to the top of the hill soon.

I cancelled my counselling this week as N was really upset and grumbly that day and I didn't feel right leaving him, as he only really wanted to be cuddled by me. Which I'm fine about but it means I didn't get to vent all these feelings this week, so I am venting them here instead. It's good to get them out somewhere.

I hope next blog I can tell you that pesky tooth is finally through!