Sorry for my delay in writing again, it's been a hectic week or so. Things got bad, and then they got great and now I am feeling good. It's so funny how when you think life is at it's lowest point, something happens to help and it gives you your faith back in the good in the world.
My husband got a promotion so he's getting a significant salary increase and also a company car again which means YAY I will have the use of the car in the day again. I think that is going to make a massive difference to my depression as instead of being housebound I can get out and about, meet new people and go to activities with Noah and generally have fun and not sit around and dwell on the bad stuff all the time. Similarly if he's having a bad day Im not stuck at home having to endure it, we can go out! The extra money will also take the pressure off a bit but most of all Im happy because DH has been recognised for how hard he's worked and he's going to be on quite an impressive salary for someone who didn't go to uni and he's going to have a company car and a lot of responsibility. Im so proud of him. He will have to travel a bit, that will be hard, but we can do it. Before that I was having a terrible week and feeling quite low so it has given me some faith that things can get better, for us both.
Also Ive made a decision today, it's time to stop faffing about and just get on with it and lose the rest of the baby weight. I was doing so well at the beginning, I put on over 25kg in my pregnancy a lot due to big baby and swelling, I had extreme swelling, and a bit of over indulgence on my part I guess, and I was left with about 12 kg to go once all that fell off. I lost 5kg of them by exercising a lot, teaching dancing and being really good with my diet and I was feeling in a good place with my depression. But over the last few months I've stagnated because my depression has been worse and also with the weather changing I haven't been able to walk as much, and my dancing classes dropped a bit as I was covering for someone. But now I'll have a bit more money I can afford to do an exercise class or something so my sister and I are going to do it together. And Im just going to crack down on the food. I eat healthily, my diet is pretty good but sometimes I get overwhelming sugar cravings. I need to find another way to deal with those and just get cracking. Ive got a goal- by November 20, my son's first birthday I am going to be the weight I was when I got pregnant with him- which is 7kg from where I am now. I would love to lose 2 more than that to be at my wedding weight, but the goal is to be back to pre preg by the time he's one. If I have a goal I think it'll be easier. I look at my wedding photos and think man you always thought you were so fat but you didn't appreciate the figure you had or how beautiful you actually were on that day. I was a healthy, normal weight and BMI and fit and active, I don't know why I beat up so much in those days! I don't look tooooo much different now it's just this baby belly that doesn't want to leave. It's time!!!!
Im going to meet a friend for coffee today then spend some time with my husband while Mum and Dad have bub so that's exciting. Im feeling good today I haven't for a while, and I like it :)
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Need to rant
Argh I am feeling so overwhelmed at the moment I just want to scream or punch or something but Im home alone and the baby is sleeping so I will bash out my frustration on the keyboard instead.
I just feel so overloaded with problems at the moment. I know what I want to do to help me get on top of them all but it feels like I have so many things to do and conquer that I get overwhelmed and only get halfway with any of them and so tired from running around all the time trying to do this and that and never resting. For example at the moment I have been stressing about money a lot because we seem to have a problem with our power/something in the house and are getting massive bills which I am juggling all sorts to try and pay, and also just to be helpful no dancing work for the school holidays so doing without the money I earn there. So Im running around trying to figure out what the problem is, calling power company, checking meter, writing budgets etc etc then also I am trying to stay on top of my depression and anxiety by getting out for walks but it's been raining so I can't. Id love to go do a zumba class or swimming but can't afford to spend any money on it right now with power bill to pay, so I go round in circles. I want to lose my baby weight so badly but I go around in circles because of the above problems and because stress leads me to lose the plot and eat what I shouldn't. Then I get on the scales and realise Im going nowhere and feel worse and even more overwhelmed. Then the baby is being hideously stressful as well and that's making my brain want to explode. On top of that feeling very isolated and lonely at the moment, stuck in these four walls of home with not many people to talk to who get how I feel, whose experience of motherhood has not been quite as harmonious as they would have expected. But can't do much to change that without money and a car as above.
ARGH. It's just all too much for me. I want to run away and just keep running and running and running. I said to Nick at 5am this morning when the baby had been up and down all night, at this very minute I want to die. Not that I really do, but dying is a way to stop these feelings. Feeling nothing is preferable to feeling everything, especially when you're so incredibly tired. I don't like the person I become when Im tired and stressed, I have little patience, I get angry, I shout- all the things that by nature I am not. Right now I just want someone to take the baby away for a little while so I can sleep and sleep and sleep.
Argh.
In other news I met up with my old friend last weekend. It was nice, we talked easily laughed a lot and she just loved bub. Her fiance even came along at one point and was very nice to me. I think she's come back because she has experienced losing a few close friends for similarish reasons and perhaps realised that she had been harsh, but Im not sure as we didn't explicitly discuss it. I can see she would like to pick up where we left off, Im wary but Im going to see how it goes. As much as I feel I need close friends right now I don't want to get hurt so I'll take it slowly.
Ok dishes need to be done so I'll stop feeling sorry for myself for a bit.
Ive just had enough :( this year since having baby has been so incredibly hard. Ive been through some hard things in my life, but this has been the most ongoing battle of all.
I just feel so overloaded with problems at the moment. I know what I want to do to help me get on top of them all but it feels like I have so many things to do and conquer that I get overwhelmed and only get halfway with any of them and so tired from running around all the time trying to do this and that and never resting. For example at the moment I have been stressing about money a lot because we seem to have a problem with our power/something in the house and are getting massive bills which I am juggling all sorts to try and pay, and also just to be helpful no dancing work for the school holidays so doing without the money I earn there. So Im running around trying to figure out what the problem is, calling power company, checking meter, writing budgets etc etc then also I am trying to stay on top of my depression and anxiety by getting out for walks but it's been raining so I can't. Id love to go do a zumba class or swimming but can't afford to spend any money on it right now with power bill to pay, so I go round in circles. I want to lose my baby weight so badly but I go around in circles because of the above problems and because stress leads me to lose the plot and eat what I shouldn't. Then I get on the scales and realise Im going nowhere and feel worse and even more overwhelmed. Then the baby is being hideously stressful as well and that's making my brain want to explode. On top of that feeling very isolated and lonely at the moment, stuck in these four walls of home with not many people to talk to who get how I feel, whose experience of motherhood has not been quite as harmonious as they would have expected. But can't do much to change that without money and a car as above.
ARGH. It's just all too much for me. I want to run away and just keep running and running and running. I said to Nick at 5am this morning when the baby had been up and down all night, at this very minute I want to die. Not that I really do, but dying is a way to stop these feelings. Feeling nothing is preferable to feeling everything, especially when you're so incredibly tired. I don't like the person I become when Im tired and stressed, I have little patience, I get angry, I shout- all the things that by nature I am not. Right now I just want someone to take the baby away for a little while so I can sleep and sleep and sleep.
Argh.
In other news I met up with my old friend last weekend. It was nice, we talked easily laughed a lot and she just loved bub. Her fiance even came along at one point and was very nice to me. I think she's come back because she has experienced losing a few close friends for similarish reasons and perhaps realised that she had been harsh, but Im not sure as we didn't explicitly discuss it. I can see she would like to pick up where we left off, Im wary but Im going to see how it goes. As much as I feel I need close friends right now I don't want to get hurt so I'll take it slowly.
Ok dishes need to be done so I'll stop feeling sorry for myself for a bit.
Ive just had enough :( this year since having baby has been so incredibly hard. Ive been through some hard things in my life, but this has been the most ongoing battle of all.
Friday, 15 July 2011
The black dog
Depression is such a beast. It seems to lurk in corners, hiding from you, making you think you're safe, that you have seen the last of it, then it jumps out from behind and grabs you all over again. Have not been feeling so great the last week- combination of being bored, lonely, tired, frustrated, let down, unappreciated anxious, feeling crappy about my self and my appearance post baby, etc etc etc. This morning I felt the tears come on like they haven't since I was in the worst days of PND. That was a little scary. I thought I had left the depression behind and it was mainly anxiety now. I guess there's some things that will always be with you a bit, medication or not, and you just handle them as they come. One thing I hate so much about depression is that in the worst of it, you feel like you could just die. Not that you want to die, more than dying would be easier than feeling. I have way too much to live for to go down that road. I just hate that feeling of utter helplessness, of surrender to your body and mind and what it's feeling. Sometimes I feel like my mind is broken, and I wish it would hurry up and mend.
Sorry that was a bit dark. I created this blog to get my feelings out, good or bad, so there that is. Trying to cheer up. We are going to pick toys for the boy's Christmas and birthday presents today as there are big toy sales on. That will be fun. And going to a real grown up party tonight, hehe. Adult conversation- you never know how much you can miss it until you spend all day gooing and gaaing and giggling and pulling faces and general silliness.
I need to make some of the changes I talk so much about. Right now. I get held back by money, by fear, by whatever. No more. Just do it woman. Lol. Starting with doing some more exercise beyond my walks. I want to go swimming twice a week, I find swimming so therapeutic. I haven't got any good togs so I haven't done it yet. No more hanging back, who cares about the togs. Im just gona do it. This week. Will report back on whether I succeed!!
Have also found out about a postnatal depression support group locally and want to get up the guts to go. I need to meet some Mums who everything wasn't perfect for. I feel surrounded by Mums whose experience of motherhood has been so amazlingly wonderfully lifechanging or so they say that it makes me feel guilty and abnormal that mine has been so much more complex. It would be good to talk to people who know what its like to love something so incredibly incredibly much and at the same time loathe the way it made you fall apart.
Hope everyone who is reading has a good weekend
Sorry that was a bit dark. I created this blog to get my feelings out, good or bad, so there that is. Trying to cheer up. We are going to pick toys for the boy's Christmas and birthday presents today as there are big toy sales on. That will be fun. And going to a real grown up party tonight, hehe. Adult conversation- you never know how much you can miss it until you spend all day gooing and gaaing and giggling and pulling faces and general silliness.
I need to make some of the changes I talk so much about. Right now. I get held back by money, by fear, by whatever. No more. Just do it woman. Lol. Starting with doing some more exercise beyond my walks. I want to go swimming twice a week, I find swimming so therapeutic. I haven't got any good togs so I haven't done it yet. No more hanging back, who cares about the togs. Im just gona do it. This week. Will report back on whether I succeed!!
Have also found out about a postnatal depression support group locally and want to get up the guts to go. I need to meet some Mums who everything wasn't perfect for. I feel surrounded by Mums whose experience of motherhood has been so amazlingly wonderfully lifechanging or so they say that it makes me feel guilty and abnormal that mine has been so much more complex. It would be good to talk to people who know what its like to love something so incredibly incredibly much and at the same time loathe the way it made you fall apart.
Hope everyone who is reading has a good weekend
Saturday, 9 July 2011
An anxious life?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm destined to be a worrier. I always thought it was just part of my personality, before I realised there was a name for the things I do and think. I have been feeling pretty good lately but I have also realised that anxiety is part of me and part of my life. Will I only ever learn to manage it? Will it never really be gone no matter how much self help I do? The reason I say this is because today we were at the mall and it was super busy, like no spaces to park in busy and we were having lunch in an extremely packed food court. I felt the panic rise up in me, and I really had no idea why. I asked myself, why are you feeling anxious, you come to this mall all the time, eat in this food court all the time, nothing bad has happened to you here, so why are you worried? I didn't really know the answer but still had that knotted feeling in my gut. I think ever since I had a baby I have always been fearful of being out in public, because in his earlier days when he had terrible reflux I never knew if he was going to be happy or scream and cry. These days he's the happiest little chap on the planet and if he was to cry, I would know why and I would know what to do to help.... I guess it just takes time to get past old feelings and trust new ones.
As I said, things have been going reasonably well. My little man is just blowing me away with how clever he is, in a week he has mastered kneeling, standing, and taking little steps between things while holding on. He is also properly crawling now instead of his commando crawling he's been doing since 5 months. He is a bundle of smiles and joy and so damn precious it's ridiculous. I love him more than I could ever describe. But I'm still as tired as I ever have been and still need a break from it all some days. Especially now I can barely let him out of my sight as he might fall or climb onto something he shouldn't. One thing that has been amazing to me lately is realising how dependant he is on me and how much he does love me back. He has started giving me cuddles and clinging to me around people he doesn't know. He looks for me whenever he is with someone else, just to make sure I'm still there. He lights up with a smile every time he sees me. I have never known a love like that. He is so incredibly vulnerable too in some ways. I am still getting used to this job of being a mother. Every day I learn a little more.
It's a rainy, windy Saturday night with nothing much to do so I might as well go and try to catch up on some sleep, and hope, as always, that tonight is the miracle night he sleeps through.
As I said, things have been going reasonably well. My little man is just blowing me away with how clever he is, in a week he has mastered kneeling, standing, and taking little steps between things while holding on. He is also properly crawling now instead of his commando crawling he's been doing since 5 months. He is a bundle of smiles and joy and so damn precious it's ridiculous. I love him more than I could ever describe. But I'm still as tired as I ever have been and still need a break from it all some days. Especially now I can barely let him out of my sight as he might fall or climb onto something he shouldn't. One thing that has been amazing to me lately is realising how dependant he is on me and how much he does love me back. He has started giving me cuddles and clinging to me around people he doesn't know. He looks for me whenever he is with someone else, just to make sure I'm still there. He lights up with a smile every time he sees me. I have never known a love like that. He is so incredibly vulnerable too in some ways. I am still getting used to this job of being a mother. Every day I learn a little more.
It's a rainy, windy Saturday night with nothing much to do so I might as well go and try to catch up on some sleep, and hope, as always, that tonight is the miracle night he sleeps through.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Motherhood
is so full of conflicting emotions. Some days I feel so much love for my boy I think my heart will explode because it's simply too much for it to take. Other days (like today) while I still love him as heart burstingly much as ever, being a mother is really hard to do. I hate the days when we are home all day, go nowhere and he won't sleep properly, grizzles, etc etc and consequently the house is a mess because he won't let me out of his sight to do anything about that. He has had 2 teeth coming up for what seems like weeks on end so general grumpiness has been the theme lately. God I love him but sometimes being a stay at home Mum numbs my mind a little. Can I say that? I just sometimes tire of the monotony of certain parts of it.
Other than that things are going pretty well. Im mostly on top of my anxiety at the moment apart from the other night when I heard banging around in the house that is attached to ours, and it's empty at the moment until some people move in in a few weeks, so I was terrified there were people in there and consequently panicked a lot as it was about 3am. I think it was just a door blowing around or something as a window had been left open but at the time I was terrified. I put the lights on in the lounge and left them on all night so they would know people were here, hehe. Seems silly now. But I feel such a protective instinct over my baby.
The days are going by, mostly busy, with what I don't know but the weeks go far faster than they ever have before which is weird considering I was doing more before. I am working on expanding social connections to meet more local Mums and take bub to more activities because he's super active and gets as bored as I do. The little monkey is now pulling himself up to stand. He's 7 months old and most of his peers are only tackling rolling at this point but hes been rolling and crawling for months so I guess it was coming, Freaks me out how clever he is. Hanging out for my husband to get home today just to have another pair of hands. For some reason I always feel much more relaxed when it's not just me here. Im not sure why as I am more than capable of handling everything by myself and I do day to day.
Best go the mmmmmmmmmmms coming from the boy in the highchair behind me are getting louder.
Other than that things are going pretty well. Im mostly on top of my anxiety at the moment apart from the other night when I heard banging around in the house that is attached to ours, and it's empty at the moment until some people move in in a few weeks, so I was terrified there were people in there and consequently panicked a lot as it was about 3am. I think it was just a door blowing around or something as a window had been left open but at the time I was terrified. I put the lights on in the lounge and left them on all night so they would know people were here, hehe. Seems silly now. But I feel such a protective instinct over my baby.
The days are going by, mostly busy, with what I don't know but the weeks go far faster than they ever have before which is weird considering I was doing more before. I am working on expanding social connections to meet more local Mums and take bub to more activities because he's super active and gets as bored as I do. The little monkey is now pulling himself up to stand. He's 7 months old and most of his peers are only tackling rolling at this point but hes been rolling and crawling for months so I guess it was coming, Freaks me out how clever he is. Hanging out for my husband to get home today just to have another pair of hands. For some reason I always feel much more relaxed when it's not just me here. Im not sure why as I am more than capable of handling everything by myself and I do day to day.
Best go the mmmmmmmmmmms coming from the boy in the highchair behind me are getting louder.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Happier post today
Sorry for the lack of posting it's been a week that's been full and busy, but with what I don't really know. The days fly by in this life of a Mum. Baby has been ok, his little tooth is slowly making its way up so he's been super grumpy and omg the nappies :O but Im hoping it will come all the way through soon, I can feel it and see it now, it just needs to come up.
I am feeling a little bit happier and more positive this week. Had to do a lot of talking with my husband and Mum to sort out a few things that were causing conflict. It wasn't easy, but it has been done and since then things seem a lot brighter, and we are working on spending more time together as a couple as well as with the baby. We had a lovely weekend last weekend where we all had dinner together at the mall, then I saw a friend for coffee by myself which was awesome, then we had dinner at my sister's place. I hadn't been out socialising in a while and I really needed that. I do get lonely at home, and as I don't have a car during the day I can be somewhat limited. But I do what I can within my limitations, I walk where I can and have Mums who come over and I do things with. I am trying to get to more activities and socialise more as I feel a lot better when I do.
Something that has been on my mind today. About 3 years ago, my best friend who I had been friends with since age 15 and went through so much with, decided we were going to go our separate ways because we had a conflict over her boyfriend. Long story short, he wasn't very nice to me and I didn't really like him, I didn't want to say anything to her about it because she was so happy and I wanted to try get to know him better and work it out, but she knew something was up so I ended up telling her. Long story short she decided to move on and we haven't spoken since. I was really upset by it and hurt and I have also missed her terribly, I haven't had a girlfriend that close since then and I think it has left a bit of a hole in my life. I have often thought about emailing her or adding her on facebook but never did as she was the one to decide we weren't going to be friends anymore, so I felt like it wasn't my place to fix it. Anyway I often dream about her as well, like that we meet up and get to be friends again. Last night out of nowhere she messaged me on facebook saying she had been thinking of me a lot and wondered if I was happy, and said my little boy was beautiful which she must have seen on my facebook profile picture. We messaged back and forth catching up on the big things, and then she said we should meet up for coffee. Im torn.... Ive missed her a lot but I was also really hurt by what happened. Also we stopped being friends just before my wedding, so she wasn't at that, and she's getting married next month overseas so I won't be at hers either. She wasn't there through pregnancy, having baby..... so it's hard to imagine moving forward from that and ever being the same.... but what have I got to lose? Maybe I'll gain something back? I feel like we could meet and it'd be like there was never 3 years in between, we had that kind of friendship.... so never thought this would happen and Im a little stunned.
Thoughts welcomed.
Anxiety wise Im ok, a little panicky at the minute because there was a little earthquake in Auckland and so what ifs are running around in my brain. Not much I can do in any case but still panicking all the same. What will be will be. Had a good counselling session this week which helped me straighten a few things out in my mind and realise I don't always have to solve everyone's problems. Its a bit of a relief to realise that. I am working on setting boundaries so my life is my own, not anyone elses to control.
I am feeling a little bit happier and more positive this week. Had to do a lot of talking with my husband and Mum to sort out a few things that were causing conflict. It wasn't easy, but it has been done and since then things seem a lot brighter, and we are working on spending more time together as a couple as well as with the baby. We had a lovely weekend last weekend where we all had dinner together at the mall, then I saw a friend for coffee by myself which was awesome, then we had dinner at my sister's place. I hadn't been out socialising in a while and I really needed that. I do get lonely at home, and as I don't have a car during the day I can be somewhat limited. But I do what I can within my limitations, I walk where I can and have Mums who come over and I do things with. I am trying to get to more activities and socialise more as I feel a lot better when I do.
Something that has been on my mind today. About 3 years ago, my best friend who I had been friends with since age 15 and went through so much with, decided we were going to go our separate ways because we had a conflict over her boyfriend. Long story short, he wasn't very nice to me and I didn't really like him, I didn't want to say anything to her about it because she was so happy and I wanted to try get to know him better and work it out, but she knew something was up so I ended up telling her. Long story short she decided to move on and we haven't spoken since. I was really upset by it and hurt and I have also missed her terribly, I haven't had a girlfriend that close since then and I think it has left a bit of a hole in my life. I have often thought about emailing her or adding her on facebook but never did as she was the one to decide we weren't going to be friends anymore, so I felt like it wasn't my place to fix it. Anyway I often dream about her as well, like that we meet up and get to be friends again. Last night out of nowhere she messaged me on facebook saying she had been thinking of me a lot and wondered if I was happy, and said my little boy was beautiful which she must have seen on my facebook profile picture. We messaged back and forth catching up on the big things, and then she said we should meet up for coffee. Im torn.... Ive missed her a lot but I was also really hurt by what happened. Also we stopped being friends just before my wedding, so she wasn't at that, and she's getting married next month overseas so I won't be at hers either. She wasn't there through pregnancy, having baby..... so it's hard to imagine moving forward from that and ever being the same.... but what have I got to lose? Maybe I'll gain something back? I feel like we could meet and it'd be like there was never 3 years in between, we had that kind of friendship.... so never thought this would happen and Im a little stunned.
Thoughts welcomed.
Anxiety wise Im ok, a little panicky at the minute because there was a little earthquake in Auckland and so what ifs are running around in my brain. Not much I can do in any case but still panicking all the same. What will be will be. Had a good counselling session this week which helped me straighten a few things out in my mind and realise I don't always have to solve everyone's problems. Its a bit of a relief to realise that. I am working on setting boundaries so my life is my own, not anyone elses to control.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Anxious days
I really needed to write yesterday but couldn't find the time to do it.
Yesterday was a tough day for me. Baby has been teething for about 3 weeks so that has basically meant long days of whinginess, bad sleeping and a very clingy boy. Yesterday I was really tired as he has been waking lots with a sore tooth and TMI upset stomach, and I was trying to get ready to go for a walk to the chemist to get a prescription I really needed. Baby had been grizzling and screaming all morning and would literally not let me leave his sight, but I couldn't find my prescription form so I was running around the house searching everywhere trying to find it all the while he was screaming in his pram and nothing would stop him. I was getting more and more flustered and panicky trying to find this prescription and ended up getting grumpy at him and feeling like I couldn't cope with this anymore. So I rang my Mum and she came and got us and took us over to her place, and we chilled for the afternoon there and N had a sleep. I don't know why I get so panicky sometimes. It all just feels a bit much, when I'm tired, stressed, sick of listening to grizzling... and then I feel like the worst mother in the world who can't cope. Which is silly, as much of the time I can and do cope. It's just every now and then, when Im vulnerable, it gets on top of me. I hate days when Im at home by myself and he gets like that. I start to panic that I won't be able to get him to sleep, that he won't stop grizzling, etc, I can only assume it must be because it takes me right back to those early days when he screamed and screamed and I couldn't help. These days I know exactly what to do, better than anyone else can do it, and I know I can always make him feel better- but that silly fear and anxiety remains. I really feel like Im always climbing up a hill with this anxiety, and I never get to the top, I just keep climbing and climbing, getting better and further, then I fall back a bit, then I climb a little more..... I hope I find my way to the top of the hill soon.
I cancelled my counselling this week as N was really upset and grumbly that day and I didn't feel right leaving him, as he only really wanted to be cuddled by me. Which I'm fine about but it means I didn't get to vent all these feelings this week, so I am venting them here instead. It's good to get them out somewhere.
I hope next blog I can tell you that pesky tooth is finally through!
Yesterday was a tough day for me. Baby has been teething for about 3 weeks so that has basically meant long days of whinginess, bad sleeping and a very clingy boy. Yesterday I was really tired as he has been waking lots with a sore tooth and TMI upset stomach, and I was trying to get ready to go for a walk to the chemist to get a prescription I really needed. Baby had been grizzling and screaming all morning and would literally not let me leave his sight, but I couldn't find my prescription form so I was running around the house searching everywhere trying to find it all the while he was screaming in his pram and nothing would stop him. I was getting more and more flustered and panicky trying to find this prescription and ended up getting grumpy at him and feeling like I couldn't cope with this anymore. So I rang my Mum and she came and got us and took us over to her place, and we chilled for the afternoon there and N had a sleep. I don't know why I get so panicky sometimes. It all just feels a bit much, when I'm tired, stressed, sick of listening to grizzling... and then I feel like the worst mother in the world who can't cope. Which is silly, as much of the time I can and do cope. It's just every now and then, when Im vulnerable, it gets on top of me. I hate days when Im at home by myself and he gets like that. I start to panic that I won't be able to get him to sleep, that he won't stop grizzling, etc, I can only assume it must be because it takes me right back to those early days when he screamed and screamed and I couldn't help. These days I know exactly what to do, better than anyone else can do it, and I know I can always make him feel better- but that silly fear and anxiety remains. I really feel like Im always climbing up a hill with this anxiety, and I never get to the top, I just keep climbing and climbing, getting better and further, then I fall back a bit, then I climb a little more..... I hope I find my way to the top of the hill soon.
I cancelled my counselling this week as N was really upset and grumbly that day and I didn't feel right leaving him, as he only really wanted to be cuddled by me. Which I'm fine about but it means I didn't get to vent all these feelings this week, so I am venting them here instead. It's good to get them out somewhere.
I hope next blog I can tell you that pesky tooth is finally through!
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