Got the idea from a friend's post. I'm going to write 3 things Im grateful for today
1. I'm grateful for my beautiful boy, that my dream of having my own baby became a reality when I thought it may not
2. I'm grateful for my supportive husband who despite our ups and downs understands me like few other people do and supports me even when my problems must at times be overwhelming
3. I'm grateful that while money is tight, we have enough money to live in a nice place eat well and have power, water and more than enough food as well as other luxuries. Some people don't have all of those things and it's important to remember what privileges they actually are sometimes
Friday, 20 April 2012
It's been a while...
Hehe that title reminds me of that Staind song "it's been a while... since I could, hold my head up high...." reminds me of sitting in my bedroom as a 15 year old singing my heart out wondering if I would ever get out of life what I wanted to. I guess as a 15 year old if I looked on my life now I would have gotten everything I wanted back then. Interesting thought, hehe but that's probably another blog.
So yeah it has been a while since I blogged. Probably because I tend to forget to blog when life is going well. And when I need to vent, it's where I turn. I probably should have been doing more blogging lately. Im sad to say, depression has come to call again. I've been trying to deny it but today I have accepted it. I have been working on weaning off antidepressants for a while now, but in the last week or two the same old feelings have been creeping up on me. Tiredness, feeling hopeless, not good enough, teary, unable to cope with the challenges of a toddler, unmotivated, etc. Also my anxiety has been sky high and I have been having some panic attacks. I have had the revelation, and this is very hard for me to accept, that perhaps while I did get post natal depression, I have probably always had depression and probably always will. It's an illness that probably started a long time ago. I did not have the easiest of adolescent years and my experiences and traumas there combined with an anxious sort of personality have probably led me to where I am now as much as having a baby and the hormonal changes of that did. I have been trying to get off antidepressants because I feel like the person I used to be has been lost and I'm now some other chemically altered person. I don't like the idea that I need to be on pills to function, to be 'ok'. I have a lot of thinking and accepting to do around this. I don't *need* them to live but perhaps I do need them to be happier. Like any other ailment I guess, people take medication to help them with it so they can go about living their lives in an easier way. Taking them helps me to manage my life more easily. Maybe it's just like taking painkillers or whatever. I don't know. I was trying to get off the antidepressants also because they were making me put on weight and I hate that. My doctor has prescribed me a different one that is supposed to not do that. So I am willing to give it a try. She suggested I need to just make the pills part of my life and not worry about trying to get off them. As they were only ever meant to be a temporary thing, this is hard for me to accept. But perhaps it's for the best. All I know is I don't want to feel so low and anxious anymore.
Life aside from this has overall been OK. I have had a big fight with my parents lately over them interfering and trying to control me, which has been tough to work through and I feel like my relationship with them has really changed now and a wedge been put between us, which makes me sad, but we are trying to work it out and it is probably for the best that it happened, as I am further striving toward my own independence away from them and making my own decisions for what's best for me and my own little family, not what they think is best. I have as always been beating myself up about my own insecurities. I look at other people's posts on facebook or whatever and think they have these perfect lives and have it so easy. I know people only put out there what they want you to see, I mean I do that myself, but I still can't seem to stop doing it. I am really hung up lately about the fact that most people I know who were pregnant when I was, are now pregnant again. The idea of having another baby right now terrifies me. I'm so not ready, I couldn't do it, because my first year was so hard and at times, really not enjoyable. I am ok with that decision, I know it's the right one for me, but I can't help but feel upset about it because I feel like there must be something wrong with me, that motherhood was so joyous and wonderful for others that they would want to do it again so quickly whereas the idea of having another so soon is so awful to me. I feel like some weirdo person who just isn't cut out to be a mother, and that makes me sad because I try so hard to be a good mother. I love my boy to bits more than I could ever describe on a blog. I love everything about him even though he frustrates me and makes me mad and upset at times I love that boy more than I will ever love anything. I feel in some ways like nothing could ever compare to the love I have for him.... I think maybe I'll have another child when he is old enough to understand it and enjoy it too. Maybe. We shall see. I think I also need to come to terms with the fact that I did get depression, that it sucked and it was hard and it was unfair, but it happened. It doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me and instead of getting upset about it and wondering why me and not others, I should just accept it and get on with it. I have depression. That's not all I am though. There's more to me than that- I need to stop defining myself by it and remember what else there is about me.
Looking at going back to work full time which I am sort of excited about as I miss teaching and I think it would be good for me. One thing that's hard though is making the decision to do it but then having to apply for 5 million jobs to try and make it happen. There are so few jobs out there right now and so many people wanting to get them. I feel like I'm in limbo because I've made this big decision but can't see it through yet and I'm always waiting and hoping for the phone to ring but so far it isn't. Very frustrating. Hopefully something will happen soon.
Till then I fill my days taking my boy out to the park or music or playgroup or meeting a friend for coffee and weekends doing things together as a family, and that's quite ok with me.
Hope all are ok out there in the blogging world and I will try to remember to update more often not just when things are bad.
So yeah it has been a while since I blogged. Probably because I tend to forget to blog when life is going well. And when I need to vent, it's where I turn. I probably should have been doing more blogging lately. Im sad to say, depression has come to call again. I've been trying to deny it but today I have accepted it. I have been working on weaning off antidepressants for a while now, but in the last week or two the same old feelings have been creeping up on me. Tiredness, feeling hopeless, not good enough, teary, unable to cope with the challenges of a toddler, unmotivated, etc. Also my anxiety has been sky high and I have been having some panic attacks. I have had the revelation, and this is very hard for me to accept, that perhaps while I did get post natal depression, I have probably always had depression and probably always will. It's an illness that probably started a long time ago. I did not have the easiest of adolescent years and my experiences and traumas there combined with an anxious sort of personality have probably led me to where I am now as much as having a baby and the hormonal changes of that did. I have been trying to get off antidepressants because I feel like the person I used to be has been lost and I'm now some other chemically altered person. I don't like the idea that I need to be on pills to function, to be 'ok'. I have a lot of thinking and accepting to do around this. I don't *need* them to live but perhaps I do need them to be happier. Like any other ailment I guess, people take medication to help them with it so they can go about living their lives in an easier way. Taking them helps me to manage my life more easily. Maybe it's just like taking painkillers or whatever. I don't know. I was trying to get off the antidepressants also because they were making me put on weight and I hate that. My doctor has prescribed me a different one that is supposed to not do that. So I am willing to give it a try. She suggested I need to just make the pills part of my life and not worry about trying to get off them. As they were only ever meant to be a temporary thing, this is hard for me to accept. But perhaps it's for the best. All I know is I don't want to feel so low and anxious anymore.
Life aside from this has overall been OK. I have had a big fight with my parents lately over them interfering and trying to control me, which has been tough to work through and I feel like my relationship with them has really changed now and a wedge been put between us, which makes me sad, but we are trying to work it out and it is probably for the best that it happened, as I am further striving toward my own independence away from them and making my own decisions for what's best for me and my own little family, not what they think is best. I have as always been beating myself up about my own insecurities. I look at other people's posts on facebook or whatever and think they have these perfect lives and have it so easy. I know people only put out there what they want you to see, I mean I do that myself, but I still can't seem to stop doing it. I am really hung up lately about the fact that most people I know who were pregnant when I was, are now pregnant again. The idea of having another baby right now terrifies me. I'm so not ready, I couldn't do it, because my first year was so hard and at times, really not enjoyable. I am ok with that decision, I know it's the right one for me, but I can't help but feel upset about it because I feel like there must be something wrong with me, that motherhood was so joyous and wonderful for others that they would want to do it again so quickly whereas the idea of having another so soon is so awful to me. I feel like some weirdo person who just isn't cut out to be a mother, and that makes me sad because I try so hard to be a good mother. I love my boy to bits more than I could ever describe on a blog. I love everything about him even though he frustrates me and makes me mad and upset at times I love that boy more than I will ever love anything. I feel in some ways like nothing could ever compare to the love I have for him.... I think maybe I'll have another child when he is old enough to understand it and enjoy it too. Maybe. We shall see. I think I also need to come to terms with the fact that I did get depression, that it sucked and it was hard and it was unfair, but it happened. It doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me and instead of getting upset about it and wondering why me and not others, I should just accept it and get on with it. I have depression. That's not all I am though. There's more to me than that- I need to stop defining myself by it and remember what else there is about me.
Looking at going back to work full time which I am sort of excited about as I miss teaching and I think it would be good for me. One thing that's hard though is making the decision to do it but then having to apply for 5 million jobs to try and make it happen. There are so few jobs out there right now and so many people wanting to get them. I feel like I'm in limbo because I've made this big decision but can't see it through yet and I'm always waiting and hoping for the phone to ring but so far it isn't. Very frustrating. Hopefully something will happen soon.
Till then I fill my days taking my boy out to the park or music or playgroup or meeting a friend for coffee and weekends doing things together as a family, and that's quite ok with me.
Hope all are ok out there in the blogging world and I will try to remember to update more often not just when things are bad.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
New years resolutions, time to get past some things
I have a few new years resolutions. Some are simple enough, others not so much. Here they are:
Lose the last of the baby weight:
I have done pretty well in the last year as I gained about 30kg in pregnancy and I was left with 12kg to lose after baby was born and those first few weeks. I have lost 7 kg of them but gained back 1 over the xmas break, so I am left with 6kg to get rid of. These last 6 have been plaguing me, I go up and down, I get motivated, lose motivation, etc. I need to just do it. I've set myself a goal- by my birthday, I want them to be gone. My birthday is March 27 so I think if I am really dedicated it will be achievable. For me, exercise is the key, without it I just stay the same, so my goal is to get exercising again!
Sort out my stomach issues:
I have had stomach issues for years, has always been chalked up to irritable bowel syndrome by doctors for want of a better explanation. But last year it got worse and different, so now I have a referral to a gastroenterologist at the hospital to see if anything is going on. I have also switched to rice milk as dairy and soy milk do not agree with me and am limiting the rest of my dairy to a bit of cheese and yoghurt as I seem to be able to tolerate them fine. I feel better on the rice milk so that's a good start. But I need to know what's going on so I can feel better.
Learn to be more secure in myself and not worry about others and what they do:
This is the very hard one. I have had long standing issues around weight/attractiveness which stem right back to my childhood, as I was a competitive dancer and so these two things were always highly important. In my extended family they tend to be big issues and how people are judged too. So I have never really felt happy with myself or my body. So when someone comes along who is all the things I think I'm not, I feel jealous and beat myself up about it. It starts to consume me. I am having this trouble right now with someone in my life who I believe is skinny, pretty, more outgoing/friendlier than me, and they make me feel so bad about myself. It is not their fault, they don't cause it I do, they have nothing to do with it it is all on me and how I talk to myself, but I can't help feeling the way I do and I need to stop it because it is only doing me harm. I need to realise that while I may not be all the things I want to be, I do have a lot in my life to be grateful for and a lot that is good about me, so that should be all that is important. I worry too much about others and what they do and say- I need to live in my own world more and worry about me, DS and DH and who cares about the rest. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do!!!!! I need to change the things I can change and get over the rest... but how???? I feel so jealous of certain people sometimes. I hate it and it brings me down. I'm the only one who can control it so I need to figure out how to.
Get over this PND for good:
I feel I am pretty much over the depression part but it is anxiety that still plagues me. Maybe I will always have that, maybe I always have and it's not PND at all. I think maybe while I'll always deal with depression as an illness, right now I am not depressed and I am proud of that I have come a long way. If I can get on top of my anxiety then more the better. I know I can do it.
ENJOY MY LIFE AND BE HAPPY:
Self explanatory really hehe.
Lose the last of the baby weight:
I have done pretty well in the last year as I gained about 30kg in pregnancy and I was left with 12kg to lose after baby was born and those first few weeks. I have lost 7 kg of them but gained back 1 over the xmas break, so I am left with 6kg to get rid of. These last 6 have been plaguing me, I go up and down, I get motivated, lose motivation, etc. I need to just do it. I've set myself a goal- by my birthday, I want them to be gone. My birthday is March 27 so I think if I am really dedicated it will be achievable. For me, exercise is the key, without it I just stay the same, so my goal is to get exercising again!
Sort out my stomach issues:
I have had stomach issues for years, has always been chalked up to irritable bowel syndrome by doctors for want of a better explanation. But last year it got worse and different, so now I have a referral to a gastroenterologist at the hospital to see if anything is going on. I have also switched to rice milk as dairy and soy milk do not agree with me and am limiting the rest of my dairy to a bit of cheese and yoghurt as I seem to be able to tolerate them fine. I feel better on the rice milk so that's a good start. But I need to know what's going on so I can feel better.
Learn to be more secure in myself and not worry about others and what they do:
This is the very hard one. I have had long standing issues around weight/attractiveness which stem right back to my childhood, as I was a competitive dancer and so these two things were always highly important. In my extended family they tend to be big issues and how people are judged too. So I have never really felt happy with myself or my body. So when someone comes along who is all the things I think I'm not, I feel jealous and beat myself up about it. It starts to consume me. I am having this trouble right now with someone in my life who I believe is skinny, pretty, more outgoing/friendlier than me, and they make me feel so bad about myself. It is not their fault, they don't cause it I do, they have nothing to do with it it is all on me and how I talk to myself, but I can't help feeling the way I do and I need to stop it because it is only doing me harm. I need to realise that while I may not be all the things I want to be, I do have a lot in my life to be grateful for and a lot that is good about me, so that should be all that is important. I worry too much about others and what they do and say- I need to live in my own world more and worry about me, DS and DH and who cares about the rest. It's so easy to say, but so hard to do!!!!! I need to change the things I can change and get over the rest... but how???? I feel so jealous of certain people sometimes. I hate it and it brings me down. I'm the only one who can control it so I need to figure out how to.
Get over this PND for good:
I feel I am pretty much over the depression part but it is anxiety that still plagues me. Maybe I will always have that, maybe I always have and it's not PND at all. I think maybe while I'll always deal with depression as an illness, right now I am not depressed and I am proud of that I have come a long way. If I can get on top of my anxiety then more the better. I know I can do it.
ENJOY MY LIFE AND BE HAPPY:
Self explanatory really hehe.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
It's blogging time
Haven't written for ages again, how slack of me. But things have been quite busy which is really good.
Since I last wrote, my beautiful baby boy turned one and he is no longer a baby anymore really, he's walking, climbing, and generally getting into everything and being the love of my life hehe :) he remains a hard work or shall we use the nicer term 'spirited' child who screams/grizzles and gets frustrated at times but he is also very clever, determined and all around awesome hehe I love him so much. Can't imagine ever loving another being as much as I love him it's scary.
Things on the home front have been up and down, we have had some issues to sort through that have been plaguing us for a while but I think we have finally made a breakthrough which has involved cutting off some of the outsides influences/interferences in our lives and doing things on our own. Which is scary but will ultimately be good for us, living our lives and running our home on our own terms, our own way. Some hurt feelings have been expressed and are hopefully on the way to being mended. So we can get on with being the best couple and parents we can be and being happy. I am ready to farewell 2011 and start much more positively on 2012.
One thing that has been on my mind massively lately is work. I have been applying for some part time jobs, with varying hours, the one I really really want is 2 days a week. Which is perfect as I get more time with Noah than working but still a chance to teach and express that side of myself. I have an interview for that particular role next week and am hoping like crazy it works out. I visited my old school yesterday and it was surreal, nothing had changed and it felt so familiar, like I had never left, but yet, everything had changed because I had a baby and I was no longer a teacher there! It was a real reality check for me, how much life has changed and also how much I have been holding on to regrets and how I miss teaching there so much. The world has moved on, they have moved on, now it's time for me to move on too as I can never go back and be in that moment again. If I was to teach there again, it wouldn't be the same, I'd be different, it'd be a different class... I think because I loved my class so much and I wasn't really ready to finish there, I have always missed it so much and held onto it so much but it's time to let go. If that even makes sense. Close that chapter and make a new one.
Emotionally I am feeling pretty good. Im weaning off my antidepressants now because for a long time I have felt I don't need them, that I have learnt coping strategies for when I feel angry, overwhelmed, anxious or depressed and I am using them successfully. Im having a pill twice a week now, then next week I'll drop to one a week, then Ill stop altogether. I feel I can cope now without them, because all they have ever done is even me out and allow me to manage situations and I feel like I've taught myself how to do that now. I have changed so much as a person this year, my outlook has changed, what is important to me has changed, and most importantly how I speak to myself in my head has changed (well mostly!). I am not so hard on myself anymore and more accepting of the way things are, and the things I can not change. I focus on the things I have power over, the kind of person I want to be and the way I want to be, and try very hard not to let other people and what they do affect that. Not always easy but definitely a lesson I needed to learn. It's nice to feel more in control of things, I used to feel victim to other people/life and the things they did or said or things that happened, now I feel more powerful because I know that it is me who chooses how to react and what to do next. I can control how I feel- I used to feel powerless to that. It's been a rough year of many emotions, one of the worst and yet best in my life if that is even possible. But Im looking forward to the future now not back.
Still need to lose those pesky 5kg though! I'm really trying! But I'm starting to see (well trying to see) myself as more than that, and that it doesn't define me as a person how much I weigh, Im still a good Mum/wife/friend regardless of that and still a worthy person. And at the end of the day Ive managed to lose around 20kg of baby weight since Noah was born a year ago, I can be proud of that and I'll get rid of those last 5 when I can.
So yeah that's me! Hopefully I can continue to make more positive posts in the new year :)
Since I last wrote, my beautiful baby boy turned one and he is no longer a baby anymore really, he's walking, climbing, and generally getting into everything and being the love of my life hehe :) he remains a hard work or shall we use the nicer term 'spirited' child who screams/grizzles and gets frustrated at times but he is also very clever, determined and all around awesome hehe I love him so much. Can't imagine ever loving another being as much as I love him it's scary.
Things on the home front have been up and down, we have had some issues to sort through that have been plaguing us for a while but I think we have finally made a breakthrough which has involved cutting off some of the outsides influences/interferences in our lives and doing things on our own. Which is scary but will ultimately be good for us, living our lives and running our home on our own terms, our own way. Some hurt feelings have been expressed and are hopefully on the way to being mended. So we can get on with being the best couple and parents we can be and being happy. I am ready to farewell 2011 and start much more positively on 2012.
One thing that has been on my mind massively lately is work. I have been applying for some part time jobs, with varying hours, the one I really really want is 2 days a week. Which is perfect as I get more time with Noah than working but still a chance to teach and express that side of myself. I have an interview for that particular role next week and am hoping like crazy it works out. I visited my old school yesterday and it was surreal, nothing had changed and it felt so familiar, like I had never left, but yet, everything had changed because I had a baby and I was no longer a teacher there! It was a real reality check for me, how much life has changed and also how much I have been holding on to regrets and how I miss teaching there so much. The world has moved on, they have moved on, now it's time for me to move on too as I can never go back and be in that moment again. If I was to teach there again, it wouldn't be the same, I'd be different, it'd be a different class... I think because I loved my class so much and I wasn't really ready to finish there, I have always missed it so much and held onto it so much but it's time to let go. If that even makes sense. Close that chapter and make a new one.
Emotionally I am feeling pretty good. Im weaning off my antidepressants now because for a long time I have felt I don't need them, that I have learnt coping strategies for when I feel angry, overwhelmed, anxious or depressed and I am using them successfully. Im having a pill twice a week now, then next week I'll drop to one a week, then Ill stop altogether. I feel I can cope now without them, because all they have ever done is even me out and allow me to manage situations and I feel like I've taught myself how to do that now. I have changed so much as a person this year, my outlook has changed, what is important to me has changed, and most importantly how I speak to myself in my head has changed (well mostly!). I am not so hard on myself anymore and more accepting of the way things are, and the things I can not change. I focus on the things I have power over, the kind of person I want to be and the way I want to be, and try very hard not to let other people and what they do affect that. Not always easy but definitely a lesson I needed to learn. It's nice to feel more in control of things, I used to feel victim to other people/life and the things they did or said or things that happened, now I feel more powerful because I know that it is me who chooses how to react and what to do next. I can control how I feel- I used to feel powerless to that. It's been a rough year of many emotions, one of the worst and yet best in my life if that is even possible. But Im looking forward to the future now not back.
Still need to lose those pesky 5kg though! I'm really trying! But I'm starting to see (well trying to see) myself as more than that, and that it doesn't define me as a person how much I weigh, Im still a good Mum/wife/friend regardless of that and still a worthy person. And at the end of the day Ive managed to lose around 20kg of baby weight since Noah was born a year ago, I can be proud of that and I'll get rid of those last 5 when I can.
So yeah that's me! Hopefully I can continue to make more positive posts in the new year :)
Saturday, 22 October 2011
Pesky old insecurities
Haven't posted in ages, which is mostly a good thing in the sense that I tend to head here when something has been bothering me. I've been pretty good, exercising a lot, eating healthily, have lost another kg or two of baby weight, and staying focussed on what is important in life, ie. my own life and family not the things that other people do or say. And I've been feeling really reflective and happy as I realise with baby's first birthday next month, how far we have actually come in a year. When I look back to how I was feeling pretty much from now a year ago, when high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia hit, then after the birth with the depression and bad reflux, we have come so far and I now have a very happy, smiley boy and he has a Mum who is doing much better too. He is super cuddly now and shows his love for us so much and there's nothing quite like it, I am enjoying him so much.
However as always I do have my setbacks from this positive frame of mind. One of them has come lately as baby and I have both been sick, and so I've been housebound for 2 weeks and unable to exercise as I was previously doing, so my weight loss has stalled but thankfully I haven't put any on. But this whole weight thing just makes me so insecure. It always has. Growing up I was a competitive dancer, gymnast and swimmer so you can imagine how much pressure I was under to always stay slim. I've never been a big person but it is in my genes to be curvy/womanly rather than stick thin so I was always fighting my body's natural instinct to be that. I've never been happy with my weight but I was always well within reccomended BMI etc and a good weight in other people's eyes, and toned from being athletic. I'm the heaviest I've ever been now and that is only 5kg from my pre-pregnancy weight so I guess that's not too bad. But for some reason I feel less of a person/disgusted with myself when I'm heavier, which I know is SOO silly, I would never ever judge anyone else by these standards I inflict on myself, I would never ever think that anyone else was less of a person because they were heavier so why on earth do I apply that to myself? It doesn't help that there's someone in my life who makes me feel terribly insecure because they are super skinny and beautiful and no matter how good I feel about myself and my efforts, every time I see that person it all goes out the window because I know I'll never look as good as that. It all sounds so silly, but hey my mind is not always rational. I know that deep down this stuff is not as important as the fact that I have a beautiful child, I'm a good Mum and I am the world to him, I have friends and family and a good husband and I should be focussing on those things, not what I look like. But pesky old insecurities and messages/negative statements that I've been drumming into my head over and over for years, are hard to get rid of! I was feeling good until I saw some pictures of myself yesterday and wasn't happy with them, I had been feeling good that day had made an effort with hair makeup and outfit etc so I was disappointed when the pics didn't come out like I wanted as I wanted to get some nice pics of me and my boy. But I guess I'll always be beautiful in his eyes and that's most important. Just gota keep pressing on and ignore those silly little messages trying to bring me down.
Other than that just been keeping on, I have dropped down to one antidepressant each day and I will wean off by the end of the year, which is scary but cool because I feel ready to do it, and in the middle of the year I didn't feel like I'd ever be ready for that. Taking fish oil and evening primose oil as well as a mutlivitamin have helped me keep a clear head (thanks Casey for the tips), and I feel like I'm still taking something to support me if that makes sense. A stomach issue I've had for years has flared up badly in the last week and I think I'm going to need to chat to the doctor about it as it seems to have gotten worse, and I've never really had an answer about why it happens in the first place, it would be good to get to the bottom of it.
It's a long weekend which is nice and I'm enjoying the warmer weather and so looking forward to all the things we can do with the boy now he's getting bigger. He is my joy and happiness, love him so much :) he is the reason to keep on keeping on through all the muddle and find the way out the other side.
However as always I do have my setbacks from this positive frame of mind. One of them has come lately as baby and I have both been sick, and so I've been housebound for 2 weeks and unable to exercise as I was previously doing, so my weight loss has stalled but thankfully I haven't put any on. But this whole weight thing just makes me so insecure. It always has. Growing up I was a competitive dancer, gymnast and swimmer so you can imagine how much pressure I was under to always stay slim. I've never been a big person but it is in my genes to be curvy/womanly rather than stick thin so I was always fighting my body's natural instinct to be that. I've never been happy with my weight but I was always well within reccomended BMI etc and a good weight in other people's eyes, and toned from being athletic. I'm the heaviest I've ever been now and that is only 5kg from my pre-pregnancy weight so I guess that's not too bad. But for some reason I feel less of a person/disgusted with myself when I'm heavier, which I know is SOO silly, I would never ever judge anyone else by these standards I inflict on myself, I would never ever think that anyone else was less of a person because they were heavier so why on earth do I apply that to myself? It doesn't help that there's someone in my life who makes me feel terribly insecure because they are super skinny and beautiful and no matter how good I feel about myself and my efforts, every time I see that person it all goes out the window because I know I'll never look as good as that. It all sounds so silly, but hey my mind is not always rational. I know that deep down this stuff is not as important as the fact that I have a beautiful child, I'm a good Mum and I am the world to him, I have friends and family and a good husband and I should be focussing on those things, not what I look like. But pesky old insecurities and messages/negative statements that I've been drumming into my head over and over for years, are hard to get rid of! I was feeling good until I saw some pictures of myself yesterday and wasn't happy with them, I had been feeling good that day had made an effort with hair makeup and outfit etc so I was disappointed when the pics didn't come out like I wanted as I wanted to get some nice pics of me and my boy. But I guess I'll always be beautiful in his eyes and that's most important. Just gota keep pressing on and ignore those silly little messages trying to bring me down.
Other than that just been keeping on, I have dropped down to one antidepressant each day and I will wean off by the end of the year, which is scary but cool because I feel ready to do it, and in the middle of the year I didn't feel like I'd ever be ready for that. Taking fish oil and evening primose oil as well as a mutlivitamin have helped me keep a clear head (thanks Casey for the tips), and I feel like I'm still taking something to support me if that makes sense. A stomach issue I've had for years has flared up badly in the last week and I think I'm going to need to chat to the doctor about it as it seems to have gotten worse, and I've never really had an answer about why it happens in the first place, it would be good to get to the bottom of it.
It's a long weekend which is nice and I'm enjoying the warmer weather and so looking forward to all the things we can do with the boy now he's getting bigger. He is my joy and happiness, love him so much :) he is the reason to keep on keeping on through all the muddle and find the way out the other side.
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Battling on through
I need to remember to post more often here. Have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. This usually happens when I am doing too much and not taking enough time for myself so I will take it as a warning sign. The boy has been teething badly and therefore screaming a LOT, generally whiny, and not always fun to be around! I don't like how I feel some of the time, when he is screaming and carrying on and I have been listening to it and fending off his scratches, kicks, pinches etc for a long time, I start to get angry and frustrated and say/think things I don't mean, like you're a stupid baby or what the hell is wrong with you, etc. I also go down thought patterns I don't like, such as why did I have to end up with such a difficult baby, when other people don't, and ideas of hurting myself to get away from the pain/frustration I am feeling at that time because it feels too much for me to handle. I have never actually done that, and I don't think I ever will. But I don't like the thought- that's a warning sign to me that all is not well with me. I am doing my best to breathe through the frustrated moments, remind myself it will pass, and remind myself how much I do love my incredibly gorgeous little man who does make me so happy. I always beat myself up so much after I have a moment of being angry with him. He is an absolute piece of work at times, very very strong willed, screams, lashes out, arches his body and stiffens up so I can barely even keep hold of him. When you're tired, and you've been putting up with that for days on end, it starts to wear you down and make you frustrated, panicky and no patience. I still have unresolved feelings about how I got post natal depression and how difficult this first year has been, I feel it's unfair that I had to get it when others don't and that I had to have a 'difficult' baby when others don't, but I know that is silly thinking and I will find my peace with it in time, but it means that when he is acting difficult which to be fair is not that often, those feelings of resentment of the whole situation in general resurface. I think I will be glad to put this year behind me and start the second year of his life anew, with much better memories and frame of mind :)
Other than that things have been ticking along. I have been working really hard to try and lose the last pesky kgs of baby weight, After a good start losing 2kg I have stagnated, and haven't lost anymore despite watching what I eat and counting calories etc I think I need to up the exercise to make a difference as I have always eaten well and maintained a steady weight for years before getting pregnant, so I think the answer for me lies more in exercise. But finding the time for that is the hardest thing!! Because anything I do to lose weight I want to be able to sustain it long term, ie not just some weight loss fad thing in which I will put all the weight back on when I stop doing it. So I need to find a way to incorporate more exercise into my week in a way I can sustain. At the moment I am doing a fair amount but it's not that strenuous so I need to add something new and different I think. I have been a it hard on myself about not losing but Im trying to remind myself that I am eating very healthily and exercising and taking care of myself and that's the most important thing, it's not like Im sitting around eating crap and not exercising, Im doing all the right things that's got to count for something health wise.
Still thinking a lot about going back to work and looking out at jobs but I think it'll take a long time to find my ideal thing (1-2 days a week teaching). So I will wait and see.
Other than that things have been ticking along. I have been working really hard to try and lose the last pesky kgs of baby weight, After a good start losing 2kg I have stagnated, and haven't lost anymore despite watching what I eat and counting calories etc I think I need to up the exercise to make a difference as I have always eaten well and maintained a steady weight for years before getting pregnant, so I think the answer for me lies more in exercise. But finding the time for that is the hardest thing!! Because anything I do to lose weight I want to be able to sustain it long term, ie not just some weight loss fad thing in which I will put all the weight back on when I stop doing it. So I need to find a way to incorporate more exercise into my week in a way I can sustain. At the moment I am doing a fair amount but it's not that strenuous so I need to add something new and different I think. I have been a it hard on myself about not losing but Im trying to remind myself that I am eating very healthily and exercising and taking care of myself and that's the most important thing, it's not like Im sitting around eating crap and not exercising, Im doing all the right things that's got to count for something health wise.
Still thinking a lot about going back to work and looking out at jobs but I think it'll take a long time to find my ideal thing (1-2 days a week teaching). So I will wait and see.
Saturday, 3 September 2011
The dreaded beast
I haven't posted in a while, probably because things have been quite good. Which is great. Everything has been trucking along, I've been increasing my confidence as a mother, enjoying my boy so much, and things have been much more stable on the home front, all in all things have been ok and I've been feeling better and stronger. But all of a sudden I feel back at square one. I got some news yesterday which I didn't really like, without going into it on a public blog it was about a person who brings out a lot of insecurities and hurt feelings in me, who brings out the worst in me I guess. I ended up really upset and then really frustrated at myself for being a jealous, petty, insecure person. Since then I have just felt crap, depressed, low, no patience, wondering why I even bother with anything at all. Depression is such a beast, you think you have gotten rid of it for good and left it behind you and then it jumps out from behind when you least expect it and does all the damage it ever did. I feel like since I got depression after having a baby I've come so far, and yet gone nowhere at all, depending on the day. One step forward 5 steps back again. It's a slow journey for sure.
I will get over it, I will pick myself up again, I will keep on going. Just at times, life feels like such a struggle, such an uphill battle, so tiring, that I wonder why I bother with it at all. If it was any other task that was this hard you would probably give up on it! But I have no choice, nothing else is an option to me, I have way too much to live for, and I will keep on searching for that magical place where depression is locked firmly in the closet and I can be happy again.
In other news, I am just loving my boy lately, he is so gorgeous and so funny and so clever, I can't even write down how much I love him there isn't a word for that. He's so precious. He at times frustrates me, challenges me, tires me out, makes me mad, but the way he makes me feel so needed, loved and important outweighs any of that. I am loving him getting a bit bigger, I like babies but I love toddlers. I am loving more interaction from him and being able to do more with him. He's such a star, my reason for living through all this blackness because while I have had that since giving birth, I also got him too!
I will get over it, I will pick myself up again, I will keep on going. Just at times, life feels like such a struggle, such an uphill battle, so tiring, that I wonder why I bother with it at all. If it was any other task that was this hard you would probably give up on it! But I have no choice, nothing else is an option to me, I have way too much to live for, and I will keep on searching for that magical place where depression is locked firmly in the closet and I can be happy again.
In other news, I am just loving my boy lately, he is so gorgeous and so funny and so clever, I can't even write down how much I love him there isn't a word for that. He's so precious. He at times frustrates me, challenges me, tires me out, makes me mad, but the way he makes me feel so needed, loved and important outweighs any of that. I am loving him getting a bit bigger, I like babies but I love toddlers. I am loving more interaction from him and being able to do more with him. He's such a star, my reason for living through all this blackness because while I have had that since giving birth, I also got him too!
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